Did You Know About The World’s Largest “Car Theft”?

While I admit upfront that this has nothing to do with buses or public transport, it does have something to do with one of every bus fans’ favourite brands. This news, while reported in 2016 has been doing the rounds lately on the interwebz and I thought I’d write on it.

Let’s take a walk down memory lane to the 1970s when something interesting took place. The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK), also known as North Korea was establishing diplomatic contacts with western nations and among them was the Kingdom of Sweden. The DPRK ordered 1,000 Volvo 144 cars from the Volvo Car Corporation (then part of Volvo AB), which were delivered in 1974.

The Volvo 144 was the first in the 140 series of saloons (or sedans) and made its first appearance in 1966. The nomenclature indicated that it was the first series and was a four-door saloon with a four-cylinder engine.

While the North Koreans took delivery of the cars, they never paid for them. The Swedes meanwhile have not clarified what all was included as part of the trade deal. The sale was insured through the Swedish Export Credit Agency (EKN) which stepped in and ensured that Volvo Cars did not go bankrupt. However, the debt on the sale, along with interest had accumulated to US $328 million in 2016. That’s roughly ₹2,680 crores, based on the current (2023) exchange rates! The Swedish Export Credits Guarantee Board sends a reminder to the DPRK government every six months.

It is unknown whether the original deal included spare parts but Volvo Heritage believes that due to the bulk purchase by North Korea, the 144 was common across the world and thus getting spares from elsewhere would be easier. However, the cars are rare these days, and when seen, usually act as taxicabs.

In 2016, the Swedish Embassy in Pyongyang tweeted out a picture of a Volvo 144, captioned Still going strong. One of the Volvo’s from yr 1974 still unpaid for by DPRK. Running as taxi in Chongjin w almost half million km on odo!

Still going strong. One of the Volvo's from yr 1974 still unpaid for by DPRK. Running as taxi in Chongjin w almost half million km on odo! (Caption as tweeted by the Swedish Embassy in Pyongyang)
Still going strong. One of the Volvo’s from yr 1974 still unpaid for by DPRK. Running as taxi in Chongjin w almost half million km on odo! (Caption as tweeted by the Swedish Embassy in Pyongyang)

The lack of payment for these 1,000 cars prompted Soviet diplomats to label it as the “largest car theft in human history.” Imagine being a Communist nation in the 1970s and mucking up so bad that the Soviet Union mocks you. I know.

Founded in 1927 as the automobile division of SKF, the Volvo Cars Corporation or Volvo Cars remained a part of the Volvo Group or Volvo AB until 1999 when it was spun off as an independent company, with both of them sharing the Volvo trademark. Volvo Cars was acquired by the Ford Motor Company as part of its Premier Automotive Group that included Aston Martin, Jaguar, Land Rover and Volvo. With the sale of Aston Martin to a group of American investors and Jaguar and Land Rover to Tata Motors of India, Ford divested Volvo Cars to China’s Zhejiang Geely, better known as Geely. Volvo Cars’ history is very similar to American telecommunications manufacturer Motorola that split in 2011 to form Motorola Solutions and Motorola Mobility, the latter of which was acquired by Google and then eventually Chinese red-chip firm (listed in Hong Kong) Lenovo.

Geely also owns several other prominent European automobile brands, such as Polestar, Lynk and the iconic British brand Lotus, along with the London EV Company (formerly the London Taxi Corporation), which is known to manufacture the iconic black cabs seen in London.

Well, that’s all from me this time.

If you’re interested in another international incident that was funny, look no further from North Korea’s backyard, Russia. In 2018, a group of Russians in Vladivostok donned a cardboard cut-out shaped like a bus to cross a bridge that was off-limits to pedestrians. You can read about it here:

In 2018, A Group Of Russians Dressed Up As A Cardboard Bus To Cross A Vehicular Bridge

Featured Image: A 1974 Volvo 144. (Photo: Niels de Wit from Lunteren, The Netherlands)

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The Future Of Transport Is Here, And It Isn’t What You Think It Is

This is a rather long article. I’d recommend you please read the entire thing before cursing me. Also, where I have begged you to click a link and read, please do?

Not too long ago, we were fed an idea of this futuristic transport system that was really high-speed in nature and had the potential to disrupt the very way we imagined commuting. The idea was so radical that we were even told that it could go up to 1220 km/hr (760 miles apparently). Imagine that. Imagine doing Mumbai to Chennai in a little over an hour. You could have Kande Pohe for breakfast, take a ride, go have some filter coffee and then get back to work.

This radical idea even had a radically different name – one which made no sense whatsoever – the Hyperloop. Of course, while billions of dollars were spent in various proposals, with the Indian Institute of Technology Madras (IITM) even going so far as setting up a Centre of Excellence for Hyperloop Technology (CoEHT) at IITM to develop the Avishkar Hyperloop, it eventually was reported that SpaceX and Tesla founder Elon Musk allegedly came up with the Vactrain-based concept to scuttle the California High-Speed Rail project. While I may not be the best to judge on this matter, the Hyperloop sadly has not evolved into a real thing, at least not yet. Till then, here’s Elon Musk’s napkin sketch of what his interpretation of George Medhurst’s 1799 concept looks like.

Elon Musk's napkin sketch of the Hyperloop
Elon Musk’s napkin sketch of the Hyperloop

A few years later, came another idea, again from Musk. This time, he got stuck in traffic and decided that he would bore his way out. And so he set about creating a very Boring venture. No, really, he started the Boring Company.

It all sounded good, and then it became essentially a system of tunnels for cars. I had written about it too, back then. Read about it here. Two years later amidst criticism, he announced that the system would prioritise public transport and those without cars. I wrote about that too. You can read it here, on Swarajya.

I think the culmination of Elon Musk’s boring idea and my idle mind during the lockdown, combined with the utter antipathy from the Uddhav Thackeray-led Maha Vinash Vikash Aghadi government resulted in me writing one of my most blockbuster satire stories ever: In the absence of a depot, Mumbai Metro 3 to run BEST buses in the tunnel. But clearly, it didn’t go anywhere. Here is a picture of the Las Vegas Convention Centre (LVVC) Loop built by TBC.

Las Vegas Convention Centre (LVVC) Loop
Las Vegas Convention Centre (LVVC) Loop

Musk (again, yes, I know) then came up with a concept from the spaceX Starship called the BFR, aka the Big Falcon Rocket, aka the Big Fucking Rocket (as he said it) which he claimed could be used to do a trip from Delhi to Tokyo in 30 minutes. Not a bad idea, but it will probably take you twice that to get to Delhi Airport or wherever a rocket from Delhi would take off. Of course, this means Chhole Bhature for breakfast and Sushi for lunch. Win-win no? Here is a picture of that too.

SpaceX illustration of the 2018 Big Falcon Rocket at stage separation
SpaceX illustration of the 2018 Big Falcon Rocket at stage separation

Now, after boring you for nearly 500 words about Elon Musk, let me bring you to what I really wanted to talk about.

For those of you who are fans of Rowan Atkinson, you might already have an idea of what I am going to talk about. No, I’m not talking about the alien spaceship from Mr Bean. I’m not talking about The Thin Blue Line, Blackadder or the Glass Elevator from Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. If you’ve seen Johnny English Reborn, you know what I’m talking about.

The future of transportation comes from Volkswagen. Yes, the same company that was founded by acolytes of a certain Adolf Hitler, disabled their vehicles’ emission control systems outside of test environments (fondly known as Dieselgate or Emissionsgate) and recently became the choice of Charmed actress Alyssa Milano who ditched her Tesla for a WV in support of free speech and to reject hatred and what not. I could go on but describing a libbu is tedious work.

Volkswagen Norway’s Commercial Vehicles team designed the as-yet unnamed device, the office chair. You know what they said about it?

The chair is designed to give those who work in an office a feeling of what it’s like to have a car from Volkswagen Commercial Vehicles as your workplace. You can drive, honk and listen to music – even signal as you take a turn into a meeting room.

Volkswagen

Oh yeah! The chair is here.

Volkswagen Office Chair
Volkswagen Office Chair

The chair can do around 20 km/hr and has a detachable battery and can do up to 12km on a full charge. Now that’s a bit of a let down, if you ask me. But this is indeed the future of transportation. And while people like me predicted six years ago that Handicar would be the future (at this point, I urge you to click this link, read and laugh, please), it turns out Eric Cartman sitting on a mobility scooter is closer to reality.

Eric Cartman on a Mobility Scooter
Eric Cartman on a Mobility Scooter

This is quite a breakthrough. Unfortunately, fans of super agent Johnny English may not be able to quite replicate what he did with the wheelchair with the WVchair. See what I did there? No? Me neither.

If you don’t remember what Agent English did, here is a visual reminder of what Agent English did.

However, this is a breakthrough. A major major breakthrough. Why, you ask? It’s simple. Whenever a company does something that is different from what it actually does, the results are interesting. Imagine if Apple manufactured a jetpack (or something similar, as Aapil Sathukudinathan discovered here, please read) or if Microsoft built software to count vehicles at Toll Plazas (oh wait, that was Traf-O-Data) or McDonald’s used the excess fat from their kitchen to power vehicles. This is as significant as Rolls Royce manufacturing honey! No kidding here though, Rolls Royce actually sold honey from bees at their apiary.

Rolls Royce Honey
Rolls Royce Honey

So get ready. Get ready to ditch every mode of public and private transport that you have ever used in your life. It’s time for you to embrace the sedentary lifestyle of a software engineer and sit on your chair all day long as you go from one place to another.

If you’re on Twitter, do share this link and tag Elon Musk. Maybe he might invest in my potential transport-based startup. And also ask him to restore my old Twitter account, given his talks on free speech.

Featured Image: City of future composition. Image by macrovector on Freepik.

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Satire: BEST Makes Use Of Cartoon Physics, Will Float Buses With Helium Balloons To Avoid Traffic Jams

With ever increasing traffic jams on Mumbai’s streets, an under-construction metro network that is nowhere close to fruition, the city’s public transport agencies have come together to draw out solution from their collective hats – that is subject to them having any.

After reaching no conclusion, some officials opened their phones to draw inspiration. Thanks to YouTube’s amazing recommendation engine, they were soon watching videos on Cartoon Physics, after which a solution presented itself.

Officials of the Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport (BEST) undertaking have decided that they will tie up helium balloons to buses in order to make them float above traffic.

A trial run was conducted using the Force Motors Smart Citibus fleet on route A-605 in Bhandup.

Officials have stated that the plan to use the mini-buses was due to their small size and weight. One official added that the lack of a conductor inside the bus made it even easier for it to float. Further, since these buses are powered by diesel, it made more sense to use them, as fuel will be saved during the journey.

On being asked how the buses will come down at a bus stop, the official said, “All our conductors have been taught how to fly a kite. When a bus approaches a bus stop where the conductor is waiting, he will throw a rope that will attach itself to the axle of the bus and pull it down. We have also made our conductors watch cowboy movies so they know how to use a lasso.”

On being asked how the driver plans to steer the buses, the official retorted, “Steering wheel hai na” to our correspondent.

Senior officials were unavailable for comment.

This is not the first time BEST has come up with innovative ideas. A year ago, officials decided that they will run their mini-bus fleet inside the tunnels built for Mumbai Metro Line 3, since the depot was not being built. BEST also found a way to use air pollution in the city by pioneering display boards that made use of dust.

Will this plan take BEST buses ‘higher’? We don’t know.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous.Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Featured Image: BEST mini-bus on A-605 via Twitter.

If you are tired of getting stuck on traffic in Mumbai, do check out these stickers by Roads of Mumbai.

Also Read:

Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

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After Turning Into Seasonal Venice, Global City Mumbai Turns Into Pamplona This Monsoon

In its quest to turn Mumbai into a global city, the government today added another feather to its cap. After repeatedly turning Mumbai into a seasonal Venice every monsoon, despite making promises to turn the city into a Shanghai or a Singapore, the government this year took inspiration from both Italy and Spain.

News agency ANI posted a video on Twitter showing bulls running across a flooded Malad Subway.

Many users took to Twitter to discuss the matter. Several thought it was the Tamil tradition of Jallikattu while some thought it was the Kannada tradition of Kambala. However, if one takes a closer look, it was actually more of Pamplona, in Navarre, Spain.

The three parties in the current administration of the state of Maharashtra have always professed international models to turn Mumbai into. While none of them have chosen mainstream Western cities like London and New York, they have focused more on the Eastern side, by deciding that Mumbai would be modelled on the likes of Shanghai and Singapore. However, since the deluge of 2005, Mumbai turns into a seasonal Venice every year. Note: A few people have linked this to the entry of an Italian-origin politician in India’s politics in 2004.

Given the current government’s penchant for global designs for the city, this is another feather in their cap. From canals based on Italy’s Venice, to Freedom of Expression based on China, this was inevitable. Oh and who can forget the Penguins at Byculla Zoo?

Take a look at the bull run scene from the 2011 Bollywood film Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and you’ll see that they are very similar.

Bull Running in Pamplona from Nindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Bull Running in Pamplona from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

The current government is very proactive in using new methods to improve Mumbai’s global status. Last year, they switched over from Rolling Cloth displays to Dust Written displays on BEST buses. The proposed grand aquarium was established with fishes arriving at Parel.

From Italy, China and now Spain, Mumbai is imbibing global elements.

Also Read: After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

Also Read: Forget Buses And Metro, The Fish Have Arrived At Mumbai’s New Aquarium

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

PS: Satire alert. Not to be taken seriously unless you are a BMC official.

Featured image: Cows at the flooded Malad Subway (Screenshot of ANI’s video)

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In 2018, A Group Of Russians Dressed Up As A Cardboard Bus To Cross A Vehicular Bridge

Before the next serious post, here is some light-hearted humour from across the globe.

Exactly two years ago a group of Russians in the far-eastern city of Vladivostok decided to do something rather hilarious. Following several safety inspections, the Zolotoy Bridge that spans the Zolotoy Rog or the Golden Horn Bay was shut for pedestrians in 2015, three years after it first opened.

On the 13 of November 2018, four men wore a cardboard cutout shaped like a bus and were walking on the side of a live traffic lane and began crossing the bridge. They were eventually asked to “pull over” by a security guard and made to move to the side of the bridge and turn around.

A video of the “bus”, shot by a woman driving behind it went viral on the internet. You can watch the video here:

Looks like someone got bus-ted!

If you intend to go out, don’t bother dressing up as a bus, but don’t forget to wear a mask and carry some sanitizer.

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After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

The Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport (BEST) undertaking, which has pioneered the use of rolling cloth displays for its destination boards on buses for decades since inception, has finally found a solution to a problem that has plagued it for the last decade. Thanks to the Jawaharlal Nehru National Urban Renewal Mission (JnNURM; whose logo is a jurm for being ugly), most buses got themselves route indicator boards that were LED (light emitting diode) displays.

In the first five years since LED route indicators were introduced (2007 onwards), they stopped working. While BEST did try to fix them and look for alternatives including using a chalk board, the culprit was soon identified. The displayed began malfunctioning when buses were washed. Rumour has it that BEST contacted its southern counterpart, the Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) in 2013, asking them how LED display units were functional after washing the bus. They allegedly received a very simple response: “What does washing a bus mean?“.

Keeping all this in mind, BEST has now decided to go a step forward and get a new technology using one of the most abundant elements available – dust. Yes, that’s right, BEST is now using Dust-Written displays now. Below is an image of one such display on Route 200 from Shrawan Yeshwante Chowk (Kala Chowky) to Versova Yari Road Bus Station.

After pioneering Rolling Cloth displays for decades, BEST buses are sporting a new technology: Dust Writing Displays.
After pioneering Rolling Cloth displays for decades, BEST buses are sporting a new technology: Dust Writing Displays.

We got in touch with freelance dust expert and garbologist Rajgira Khamandhokle to learn more. Readers may be reminded that Rajgira Khamandhokle is a frequent traveler on buses, having not once, but twice learnt a valuable lesson from a conductor. (You can read here and here)

We learnt that a dust-written display is extremely power efficient and eco-friendly. When we asked what would happen if the writing gets washed away in the rains, we were told that the amount of dust being kicked up on Mumbai’s roads would easily settle on the glass panel, making for an easy re-drawing.

The Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai (MCGM) through BEST is sensitising the need of washing hands and that fans of the MCGM are seeing this as an eye opener campaign to bring down Covid19 (Wuhan Virus) cases in the city. An MCGM spokesperson who wanted to remain anonymous said that anyone who writes the destination on a bus would be given free sanitizer. Though he wanted to remain anonymous and that we over here don’t care about such a concept, we would like to informe that he doesn’t work at the Ghatkopar Depot and his name is not Mahesh Sakhalkar.

On noticing Tanu loves Manu written on one of the buses, Tinder was trying to capitalise on the new system and save the sinking Titanic.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Featured image: A cloth display on Bus 342 from Goregaon Station (East) to Kokan Vikas Mandal via New Zealand Hospital by Bhavik Vasa (via Twitter)

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Cyclone Nisarga What? Here Are Visuals From Mumbai’s Brand New World-Class Aquarium

In December last year when Maharashtra saw a political coup, resulting in a mix-and-match coalition government coming to power, the newly throned chief minister announced plans to build a grand, “world-class” multi-level aquarium. Just over six months later with Cyclone Nisarga having crossed the city, here are some stunning visuals of the new aquarium.

Without wasting time, the government run by the Best CM (not BEST CM) has gone ahead and quietly implemented the aquarium at King’s Circle near Matunga. Below are some pictures from news agencies Asian News International (ANI) and Free Press Journal (FPJ). You can click on the indiviudal images to see more.

As pointed out on Twitter by Karthik, the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) has managed to build the aquarium on the first day of rains!

While the fish are not immediately visible due to vehicles, they will slowly find their way, along with other creatures including worms, snakes, prawns and shrimp (after being washed from markets). The largest creature currently in these waters is BEST’s Aqua Faeries; as seen in the above pictures (not to be confused with the earlier Purple Faeries).

Apart from this, the government has also implemented a new waterfall system in the city, although it is linked with the sewerage system. You can catch it in action here:

Ever since the 2005 floods, political parties in Maharashtra have promised to turn the city into Singapore or Shanghai. Sadly, this year, due to the Covid-19 outbreak, Mumbai became Wuhan while Maharashtra became Hubei. However, on a regular basis, the city turns into Venice every year during the monsoons.

Mumbaikars have got their aquarium. Now, let’s wait for the metro.

Also Read: Satire: BEST To Capitalise On CM’s New-Found Fame, Will Feature His Face On All New Buses

Also Read: Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Or, as Karthik puts it, PS: Satire alert⚠️🚨. Not to be taken seriously unless you are a BMC official.😅😅

Featured Image: Fishtank by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay.

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Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

In a stunning revelation, it has been revealed that the current Maharashtra government may consider running buses in the tunnels of Mumbai Metro’s famed Line 3 project.

Without the controversial SEEPZ depot, the metro cannot be operational since it won’t have a place to park trains and carry out their maintenance. In order to sort this mess out, the government has decided that they will run BEST buses in the pair of 33.5km long tunnels.

Confirming the developments, an official on the condition of anonymity said that BEST had already been running buses in tunnels for almost a decade and this would be nothing new. “We’ve run buses on the Eastern Freeway, they’ve taken the flyover and the tunnels, what is new?”, he said.

He added that while initial proposals involve letting buses drive into the tunnels at the Sariput Nagar ramp in Jogeshwari, there are plans to set up additional ones at Bandra-Kurla Complex and the Airport as well. The government may also set up a crane to lower the bus into the tunnel so buses need not run only in them, he added. The plan is apparently to run the mini-bus fleet in the tunnel, from what we gathered.

When asked, where the idea came from, he directed the questions to another officer, who on the condition of anonymity as well, gave us an answer. “With everything operating at half capacity right now, some of us looked for other ways to spend our time. I opened Google Earth to see the Attari-Wagah border and then continued on that road to Lahore where I saw a BRTS on a flyover. We then went for lunch, and when I came back, one of my colleagues showed me Elon Musk’s Boring Company”, he said.

You see, Lahore BRTS has a long elevated stretch. If they run a bus on that, why can’t we run a bus in our metro tunnels? We’ve run buses inside the tunnel on the Eastern Freeway?

The officer

When asked about the inspiration from Elon Musk, he said that Musk’s plan was the first to have tunnels under a city and run regular vehicles in them. When pointed out that Musk had a change of heart in 2018 and decided to allow public transport through the system, he responded with “That’s why we’re planning on running buses in them”.

When asked about what would happen about the 31 trains ordered from Alstom, we were told “Jab aaega, tab dekha jaega” (We’ll see about it when they arrive). A third official even dropped a comment that they may be sold to the Mumbai Suburban Rail. We don’t know if he realises that they run on different track gauges.

Whatever, happens, let us hope that Mumbai finally gets the public transport it deserves.

Note: To know how a crane would be used to lift a bus in and out, see this video on how a crane is being used to lift a tractor off the metro viaduct.

Please note: This article is satire and should be treated as such.

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If you intend to step out, whether to board on minibus or metro, please wear a mask, carry sanitizer and maintain social distancing.

Also Read:

Stuck In Traffic? Here’s Elon Musk’s Boring Way To Move Vehicles

What The Boring Company Now Has In Store For Mass Transit

Featured image: Sitting in a BEST A-8 Express (yes, Purple Faeries) through the BARC tunnels on the Eastern Freeway.

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Satire: BEST To Capitalise On CM’s New-Found Fame, Will Feature His Face On All New Buses

As the Covid-19 pandemic keeps Mumbaikars in a Lockdown, the Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport Undertaking (BEST) has decided that it will work on a new public relations campaign to improve its services.

Capitalising on CM Udhhav Thackeray’s newfound popularity as the ‘BEST CM’, the undertaking has decided to use his photographs on all its buses henceforth.

Uddhav Thackeray’s handling of the pandemic in Maharashtra has earned him praise from Bollywood (who generally know nothing), parts of the media (who also generally know nothing) and his own allies (who know everything). The only person so far unhappy over the Shiv Sena leader’s handling of the crises is former chief minister Devendra Fadnavis who has criticised his successor over the fact that Maharashtra is almost turning into a Hubei and Mumbai turning into Wuhan.

A search on Twitter for the hashtag #BestCMoftheWorld points directly to Uddhav Thackeray’s profile. While fans of other politicians including Tamil Nadu CM Edappadi K. Palaniswami (EPS), Telangana CM K Chandrasekhar Rao (KCR) and Delhi Lord Mayor Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal have used the hashtag to promote their leaders, none of them have stood out like the Sena leader.

The BEST undertaking has decided to capitalise on the CM’s new found fame, and will ensure that his face will be visible on all buses, reminding commuters of the same. “If Congress could claim India was Indira and Indira was India, why can’t we claim Uddhav is BEST and BEST is Uddhav?”, asked a Sena member when we approached them.

BEST had started using Thackeray’s images on their buses to promote the Pradhan Manti Awas Yojana in February, a move that irked the Bharatiya Janata Party over the omission of Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s photograph.

Please note: This article is satire and should be treated as such.

Featured image: Uddhav Thackeray’s iamge on a BEST Bus registered to the Vikhroli Depot (Ram Kadam/Twitter)

This post is dedicated to Ashwin S Kumar of TheUnrealTimes.

If you like this post, do consider supporting me on Patreon.

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Novel Uses Of BEST’s Purple Faeries

Nostalgia season isn’t over for me as of now, so here’s another post for you on them dreaded Purple Faeries.

Given that these buses were rarely used to their full potential, actually wait, they were, it’s just that their potential was that low. Hmmmmm. Anyway, let’s look at some novel uses these buses could have been put to.

Social Distancing

These buses made Social Distancing “Cool” way back in time. They’d have been perfect in the current crisis thanks to the Wuhan Virus.

As you can see, the Bus is nearly empty. This A-8 Express from Backbay Depot to Mithagar in Mulund (East) was boarded by me on 10 April 2015. There was one other passenger and I actually took out my laptop and watched a part of Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog on YouTube. Clearly we maintained the required gap, and all that. Of course, if anyone coughed in the air, well the air conditioning was so dead-beat, it wouldn’t spread much.

Hospital Beds Maybe?

In order to provide more beds for treatment during the ongoing Wuhan Virus outbreak, Indian Railways decided to convert some of their trains into isolation wards.

This is something that the Purple Faeries can easily do. They ran empty. They made losses. Hence they were leased out to Air India to ferry passengers. Imagine getting off a a nice Boeing 787 Dreamliner only to board THIS!

Air India bus in front of terminal 1C at Mumbai airport

A Ceritra on loan to Air India at Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj International Airport, Mumbai (Prateek Karandikar/Wikimedia Commons)

It’s a Science Experiment

Taking this classic dialogue from the 1990 science fiction blockbuster Back To The Future Part III, when Doc Brown says this to the motorman of the steam locomotive prior to hijacking it.

The Purple Faeries just struggle to move. Plus they’re heavy. I guess, if they’re stationary, they can probably be construed as an immovable object. Now all we need to find is an unstoppable force. Perhaps one bus can be taken from the Magathane Depot and one from the Oshiwara Depot? Or we just get a Volvo with a reinforced outer body like KITT from Knight Rider? After all, most of us came across the Irresistible Force Paradox from the Season 1 episode Trust Doesn’t Rust, right? Except that while it was quoted correctly – “What happens when an unstoppable object meets an immovable object?” – it was wrongly referred to as Zeno’s Paradox.

Or even better, going by this picture clicked by Shreyas Kulkarni, one can see the angaar, aka the unstoppable object which is the Tata Starbus and the bhangaar, aka the immovable object, which is the Cerita (now available in a non-AC variant at a bus stop near you!).


Go Go Go Golmaal: Rent It Out For A Rohit Shetty Film

These buses catch fire, break down, struggle to climb slopes and what not. Perhaps they can be rented out to Rohit Shetty’s production team. Actually they’d have to be sold to them given how many vehicles Shetty blows up in each of his movies.
Remember, they earlier leased out their buses to Reliance to ferry passengers to Imagica. I can only imagine the ride from CSMT to Imagica. That’s like a roller coaster combined with being inside one of those flying cars from a Rohit Shetty movie. The bus is struggling to climb the slope on the Mumbai-Pune Expressway, the suspension is not up to the mark, the air-conditioning is giving way. It’s kinda like how Jake Peralta (Andy Samberg) makes Philip Davidson (Sterling K Brown) uncomfortable in the Season 5 episode The Box in Brooklyn Nine-Nine by turning on the heat, adjusting a chair leg, making the table sticky and all. The silver lining is that once you’re through with this ordeal, you can enjoy yourself at Imagica, but will you have the heart for it? Not sure. The lead lining is that you’ll have a live repeat telecast of the entire thing on your way home.

I’m reasonably certain this is what the bus would look like after a Rohit Shetty film.

Press it into ‘essential services?’

You know what the most annoying thing about a garbage truck is? They keep spilling the garbage all over the city. Their job is to collect garbage, not spread it around, yet it seems to be what they do all the time. But no, these buses could have been converted to garbage buses instead. Of course, we need to ensure that the garbage enters from the rear and exits through the front door only where the second door exists. It’ll still leak, but not as much as from a garbage truck.

Ugly duckling

What’d I tell you? See, it looks worthy of being a garbage bus no?

A Club for shady stuff

Back in the day when I was studying in Coimbatore, I was told that the city and its eponymous district accounted for the lion’s share in mushroom cultivation in India. Of course, the mushrooms I’m talking about here are the edible variety. Of course, in this example, I’m talking of the “other” variety, aka ‘shrooms.

Now, if you’re wondering why I bring this up, just take a look at this wonderful photograph that Shreyas Kulkarni shared in 2016.

This isn’t a joke. There were actual mushrooms growing inside an AC bus!.

Wondering why I wrote this article? If I find out, I’ll let you know.

This article is dedicated to my friend The Somnambulist, who gave me the idea to write it. You can follow him on Twitter @sotachetan.

Featured image: AS-422 at Agarkar Chowk

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