Category: Satire

[Satire] Apple Reveals Why The iPhone 7 Has No Headphone Jack

Cupertino: A day after Apple announced the new iPhone 7, iPhone 7 Plus and Apple Watch 2, Apple has announced a new feature in the iPhone 7 that is bound to excite users, mainly in what is seen as an attempt to explain why the new phones do not have a 3.5mm headphone jack.

Independent and out of work reporter Aapil Saathukudinathan managed to sneak in through the air ducts of Apple’s head office at 1, Infinity Loop and hold a developer hostage with smelly socks till he divulged details of Apple’s top secret plans.

What he reveals, of course, is quite amazing. Aapil writes:

Apple is working on revolutionising the Transportation sector. They’re planning to take on Uber, Tesla, General Motors head on.

For the past six years, Apple has had a new Underground Research and Development centre, located under ground somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. They’ve been trying to build a prototype of a personal transit vehicle, intriguingly called the iCar. The prototype did revolutionise transit by providing an electric car with completely closed windows and air-conditioning all at all times, but failed because charging it with the Apple Lightning Connector wasn’t such a great idea. A proposal to produce a prototype iBike was trashed because bikes were apparently too mainstream for Apple. A similar iBus prototype model was built, but it had the same problem as the others. After an intervention from the Government of the US, Apple worked on a prototype at Area 51 for an iPlane based iSpaceship. However, all of these were scrapped because of the Lightning Charger.

Now, coming back to the iPhone 7. While most people think that removing the 3.5mm headphone jack was foolish, Apple has indeed, had other plans for it. The removal of the jack was to position a new microchip, which Apple calls iTransit.

This iTransit chip, is also the reason behind Apple’s new AirPods. These new devices, which have a built in accelerometers and optical sensors, also feature a Revolutionary Thrust Engine within them.

Apple Airpods
Apple AirPods. Image credits NBC News

This new Thrust Engine, thankfully not called iThrust, will literally lift the user into the sky and fly them to their destination. The device shape will ensure that they don’t fall out of the user’s ears. The iTransit app, will track users realtime, and automatically make adjustments to prevent traffic jams and collisions mid-air.

To travel, all one needs to do is wear the new AirPods, open the iTransit app [still in development], and enter the destination. The AirPods, once they use the advanced technology to ensure that they are properly placed in the ear, will automatically power itself up and take the user to their destination. During flight, a user can use the AirPods as headphones as well and continue listening to their beats. iTransit can also be controlled using Siri.

However, iTransit will be a paid service. While the App itself will cost $1.99 to purchase from the iTunes App Store, Apple will also charge users for using the service. Users can either pay for an unlimited plan, or a pay-as-you-use plan on a distance wise-basis. A free plan will also be introduced, wherein ads will be played during transit.

Apple intends to market this to China where 100km long traffic jams have been experienced and India, because everybody from Bangalore is complaining about Central Silk Board.

Once Aapil Saathukudinathan, managed to sneak his way out, for the Apple employee had passed out due to the smelly socks, he made his way to the Googleplex at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway in Mountain View and later on to Redmond to the Microsoft head office. Alphabet immediately announced plans to put the Google Driverless Car on standby and start work on a new and updated version of Google Glasses called Google Fly which would allow people to fly, while Microsoft decided, they’d provide the software to Google for the new product.

Aapil Saathukudinathan is now back in India, after having fooled the US and Indian authorities by flying without a valid visa.

Note: All content in this article is fictitious, and must not be taken seriously. This article is satire, and should ideally be treated as such.

 This post is dedicated to my Gurus, Ashwin S Kumar of The Unreal Times and Rahul Roushan of Faking News.
I am taking my Alexa rank to the next level with Blogchatter. Current rank: 711432 globally and 61149 in India.
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[Satire] BEST announces BEST Dish Of The Day

In a move to boost employee morale and get more publicity, BEST has come up with a new programme.

Capitalising on Masterchef’s Best Dish of the Day concept, BEST officials decided that the new program will help boost publicity and the morale of staff and their families.

A BEST staff member from the Colaba Depot excitedly announced that, the Spouses of BEST employees would be cooking under this new scheme. The dish which manages to satisfy the judge or judges the most will be awarded BEST Dish of the Day and will then be sold in BEST’s Mobile Food House [Phirte Upahar Grih/फिरते उपहार गृह ] to tourists who use BEST’s Mumbai Darshan service. It will have a big banner with BEST Dish of the Day, and बेस्ट डिश ऑफ़ दि डे , written on it.

BEST's Phirte Upahar Grih, Mobile Food Van, Canteen On Wheels.
BEST’s Phirte Upahar Grih, Mobile Food Van, Canteen On Wheels. Image copyright Neeraj Pattath, CC-BY-SA 3.0 Unported, available on the Wikimedia Commons.

According to sources, negotiations are underway to rope in Akshay Kumar, who hosted the first season of Master Chef in India as the judge for the program. Sanjeev Kapoor is also rumoured to have been contacted. One staffer even suggested that the Undertaking should try and rope in British food writer and celebrity chef Nigella Lawson to increase BESTs visibility to the world.

When contacted, BEST General Manger Jagdish Patil’s assistant responded by saying that his boss had gone for a food tasting. He said, “BEST has a brand name, and we must capitalise on this. Boss was joking about how Navi Mumbai cannot have an NMMT Dish of the Day, because it sounds stupid. He did say that TMT could capitalise on its brand name because its buses were falling apart like a bunch of rusted, loosely held TMT rods. This is one area where they cannot copy us, or outperform us.”

When contacted, NMMT General Manager Shirish Aradwad seemed a little irate. “They cannot focus on buses, now they are focusing on food also? We’ll make sure their food doesn’t enter our Depots just like we stopped AS-505 from entering the CBD Belapur Bus Stand. They say they’ll sell the dish made by spouses on the Mobile Catering Van, right? Well, we’ll get every employee of ours, to cook food and sell it on every bus. We’ll provide every bus with a stove running on the bus CNG tank and a chimney so that conductors can cook in between stages and drivers can cook while waiting at signals. We’ll even rewire the Bell Pull to stir the food when the conductor is selling tickets.”, he retorted.

One hopes that whatever happens, happens soon, and all of us have our tummies full.

BEST decides to award the BEST Dish of the Day! Share on X

Note: All content in this article is fictitious, and must not be taken seriously. This article is satire, and should ideally be treated as such.

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[Satire] Taxi Services in India take a Hike

Taxi and Ridesharing services in India have decided to upgrade their services in India to give a boost to the ailing market. Both Multinational entities as well as their local counterparts have decided to take the game to the next level.

UberMob and OlaMafia

Uber and Ola have launched their new services: UberMob and OlaMafia, although it is unclear at this point as to who launched what first. Touted as the first legitimate Taxi service for Gangsters, both companies are looking to great successes with the new launch.

On condition of anonymity, an employee at Uber stated, “We want Indians to experience the same feeling that people living on Staten Island experience.” When contacted, an employee of Ola retorted, “We just want our customers to experience an Uber ride in Delhi”. Industry sources stated that the two were keen on emulating an American local cab fleet that protested against Uber with taxicabs designed like cars owned by mobsters, complete with doors without handles on the inside of the car. Uber officials were rumoured to be deputing their notorious Delhi service provider range for this, while Ola has been said to favour its Bangalore fleet’s drivers.

Excited Uber employees also leaked out news that the company was willing to try out something drastic, like attaching a city bus after Uber CEO Travis Kalanick was seen taking a ride in a BEST bus. Ola employees, coincidentally, within minutes leaked out plans to expand OlaBoats to include a submarine, specially for Mumbai and Chennai rains.

Handicar

Handicar from South Park.
Handicar from South Park. Image copyright Comedy Central.

American Network Comedy Central announced its foray into the Personal Transport space with Handicar. Handicar, which formed the basis of a South Park episode, involves a Wheelchair user with a Cart attached behind it. Drivers wear a cap, known as a “Handicap”. Users are a provided a complimentary snack and beverage.

A South Park Studios animator anonymously stated that the company intended to redraw the Handicar with Toon Boom, and print it using a 3D printer. Handicar drivers would also be provided with a Mask of Timmy’s face which would be fitted with a Voice box that would randomly yell “Timmy!” with different variations and tones. They were keen on starting the service in India because they liked the booming ride-sharing industry and the fact that it would be easy to run the vehicle without a permit.

When contacted, Kyle Broflovski and Stan Marsh were unable for comment. Eric Cartman was attending the funeral of Kenny McCormick. Kenny was last killed when his orange parka got caught under the wheels of a Handicar.

Handicar is coming to India! Share on X

Mooch

In a Desi-twist, Avinash Sharma, who claims to be the “Sharmaji ke bete” who scores higher than all the boys around him, announced a new service named ‘Mooch’. Twirling his mustache, he said, “Mooch is a brand name, identifiable by both its name and appearance. The Mustache is a true man’s identity. Mooch seeks to create a brand of it.” When asked if the idea of Mooch might violate trademarks of Lyft in the USA, Sharmaji’s son replied, “There the cab has a mooch, here the driver has a mooch. The cab has a fluorescent pink mooch that lights up and our drivers will have a jet-black [Kesh Kala] mooch that will be waxed nicely. Only drivers with a mustache similar to mine will be employed.”

Recruitment is going on to hire mustached drivers for Mooch. 35 drivers have been selected so far, across a two week period, with many of them emerging from Kanpur and parts of Chhattisgarh as well as from the Satyamangalam forest which used to be the former hideout of the notorious bandit Veerappan. Training is being given to potential drivers to groom their mooch well.

Presenting Mooch- The Mustached way to travel! Share on X

B’Ve

Started by a student as a dedication to his professor of a prestigious Media College, in Western India, B’Ve is touted to be an upper luxury hatchback service. While no major details are available at this time, it is rumoured that all drivers are to have long hair in a Bandana and drive Maroon-coloured Hyundai i20s.

(S)mooch

A rather cliched startup, this is a product of AyyoLabs. “We aren’t trying to imitate Mooch”, says founder Raghu Iyer. He adds, “(S)mooch is much more than ride-sharing. It’s life-sharing. It’s a combination of a ride-sharing app as well as a dating app. Couples looking for a ride are randomly matched on the basis of what they enter on their profile. The profile data is cross-checked and verified with their parents, and Kundlis. The service is right now only available for TamBrahms”.

Ride-sharing is old, it's now time for life-sharing! Share on X

With such massive changes in the transport industry, we have a lot coming in in the near future.

Apart from this, you also have the choice of taking Hawala Travels.

Note: All content in this article is fictitious, and must not be taken seriously. This article is satire, and should ideally be treated as such.

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The Laws of Waiting for Buses

Ever waited for a bus only to get frustrated? Well, let’s have a closer look at it shall we?

Before we jump into this madness, let me keep two random statements in front:

  1. Murphy’s Law

    Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

  2. The Peter Principle

    In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.

Now, the above two statements are just there for the sake of being there. But, they will make a lot of sense after reading the rest of the article.

So, while waiting for a bus to arrive, you will observe some irritating and painful occurrences.

Presenting to you, my dear readers, The Laws of Waiting for Buses:

  1. As you reach the bus stop, you will miss as many buses possible and then none shall come.
    This law states that, ”As you approach the bus stop, maximum number of buses shall speed past you in the direction you intend to travel in, and shall cease as soon as you reach the bus stop.”
    Originally posted here.
  2. The bus you wait for shall never come, forcing you to take an alternative bus.
    This law states that, “If you are waiting for a specific bus number or a bus that follows a specific route, that bus or set of buses will not arrive till you are frustrated to the point of taking another bus, one that may involve multiple changeovers, or a longer route.”
    Originally posted here.
  3. When you give up on a bus is when it has the maximum probability of arriving.
    This law builds up on the previous law, and states that, “When you finally reach the frustration point and take the different bus, that is the moment in time when the bus you had been waiting for all along has the highest probability of arriving.”
    Originally posted here.
  4. When I was on the other side of the Road, a dozen buses sped by … Now I’m on this side, waiting, and not one bus is in sight …
    This law is similar to first one and states that, “When you are waiting for a bus that isn’t going to come anytime soon, you will see plenty of buses go by in the opposite direction.
    Originally posted here.
  5. The bus stops I choose have the least number of buses for my destination.
    This law states that, “When you reach a particular bus stop, it will have the least number of buses heading towards your destination.”
    Originally posted here.

So, in the end, the frustration builds up, and we end up taking an Uber, or an Ola. If you live in Mumbai, Navi Mumbai, Thane, you will end up taking an auto or a train.

Note: Most of these incidents happen due to a phenomenon known as Bus Bunching. Bus bunching, also known as Bus Clumping, refers to a group of two or more bus, which were scheduled to be evenly spaced running along the same route, instead running in the same location at the same time.

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