Tag: Satire

Satire: BEST Makes Use Of Cartoon Physics, Will Float Buses With Helium Balloons To Avoid Traffic Jams

With ever increasing traffic jams on Mumbai’s streets, an under-construction metro network that is nowhere close to fruition, the city’s public transport agencies have come together to draw out solution from their collective hats – that is subject to them having any.

After reaching no conclusion, some officials opened their phones to draw inspiration. Thanks to YouTube’s amazing recommendation engine, they were soon watching videos on Cartoon Physics, after which a solution presented itself.

Officials of the Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport (BEST) undertaking have decided that they will tie up helium balloons to buses in order to make them float above traffic.

A trial run was conducted using the Force Motors Smart Citibus fleet on route A-605 in Bhandup.

Officials have stated that the plan to use the mini-buses was due to their small size and weight. One official added that the lack of a conductor inside the bus made it even easier for it to float. Further, since these buses are powered by diesel, it made more sense to use them, as fuel will be saved during the journey.

On being asked how the buses will come down at a bus stop, the official said, “All our conductors have been taught how to fly a kite. When a bus approaches a bus stop where the conductor is waiting, he will throw a rope that will attach itself to the axle of the bus and pull it down. We have also made our conductors watch cowboy movies so they know how to use a lasso.”

On being asked how the driver plans to steer the buses, the official retorted, “Steering wheel hai na” to our correspondent.

Senior officials were unavailable for comment.

This is not the first time BEST has come up with innovative ideas. A year ago, officials decided that they will run their mini-bus fleet inside the tunnels built for Mumbai Metro Line 3, since the depot was not being built. BEST also found a way to use air pollution in the city by pioneering display boards that made use of dust.

Will this plan take BEST buses ‘higher’? We don’t know.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous.Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Featured Image: BEST mini-bus on A-605 via Twitter.

If you are tired of getting stuck on traffic in Mumbai, do check out these stickers by Roads of Mumbai.

Also Read:

Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

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After Turning Into Seasonal Venice, Global City Mumbai Turns Into Pamplona This Monsoon

In its quest to turn Mumbai into a global city, the government today added another feather to its cap. After repeatedly turning Mumbai into a seasonal Venice every monsoon, despite making promises to turn the city into a Shanghai or a Singapore, the government this year took inspiration from both Italy and Spain.

News agency ANI posted a video on Twitter showing bulls running across a flooded Malad Subway.

Many users took to Twitter to discuss the matter. Several thought it was the Tamil tradition of Jallikattu while some thought it was the Kannada tradition of Kambala. However, if one takes a closer look, it was actually more of Pamplona, in Navarre, Spain.

The three parties in the current administration of the state of Maharashtra have always professed international models to turn Mumbai into. While none of them have chosen mainstream Western cities like London and New York, they have focused more on the Eastern side, by deciding that Mumbai would be modelled on the likes of Shanghai and Singapore. However, since the deluge of 2005, Mumbai turns into a seasonal Venice every year. Note: A few people have linked this to the entry of an Italian-origin politician in India’s politics in 2004.

Given the current government’s penchant for global designs for the city, this is another feather in their cap. From canals based on Italy’s Venice, to Freedom of Expression based on China, this was inevitable. Oh and who can forget the Penguins at Byculla Zoo?

Take a look at the bull run scene from the 2011 Bollywood film Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and you’ll see that they are very similar.

Bull Running in Pamplona from Nindagi Na Milegi Dobara
Bull Running in Pamplona from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

The current government is very proactive in using new methods to improve Mumbai’s global status. Last year, they switched over from Rolling Cloth displays to Dust Written displays on BEST buses. The proposed grand aquarium was established with fishes arriving at Parel.

From Italy, China and now Spain, Mumbai is imbibing global elements.

Also Read: After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

Also Read: Forget Buses And Metro, The Fish Have Arrived At Mumbai’s New Aquarium

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

PS: Satire alert. Not to be taken seriously unless you are a BMC official.

Featured image: Cows at the flooded Malad Subway (Screenshot of ANI’s video)

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Satire: After PM Modi’s Speech, BEST Plans To Launch Bus Services To Puducherry

After spending two days puzzling over Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s speech in Puducherry, the Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport (BEST) undertaking has decided to start bus services to Puducherry.

In his speech in poll bound Puducherry, the Prime Minister had said that the National Democratic Alliance (NDA) would make the BEST before expanding BEST to Business Hub, Education Hub, Spiritual Hub and Tourism Hub.

After initially pondering on methods to make use of this, including changing the acronym of the undertaking to something else, BEST decided that they will operate buses to Puducherry.

Senior officials confirmed the development to our jobless reporter Sootbootki Sarkar. An official on the condition of anonymity said that BEST had enough experience running buses through other jurisdictions, to far off localities such as Badlapur and Virar and more importantly it knew how to deal with other transport bodies. He added, “We’e sure that out counterparts in Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are not like NMMT who decides to stop our buses from entering their depots” to our reporter.

Another official added that BEST was considering its fleet of six Volvo buses that were lying at the Oshiwara Depot for the journey. “If Tamil Nadu can run those Volvo buses from Chennai to Pondicherry, why can’t we run them from Mumbai?”, he asked.

On being asked about the pandemic, we were told that anyone who was entering Maharashtra on these buses would have to mandatorily take an RT-PCR test while boarding. When our reporter further pressed on the results of the test, they said, “Mumbai aate aate test result bhi aa jaega”.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence. If you see a BEST bus in Puducherry, please pinch yourself.

P.P.S: The Tamil Nadu State Transport Corporation (TNSTC) used to run its fleet of Volvo B7RLE buses from Chennai to Puducherry. Here is a picture of it. You can read more about it here: The Escape Velocity of JnNURM buses

TN-01N-7462 of Cuddalore 1 Depot Cuddalore - Chennai via Pondy, ECR

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After Pioneering Rolling Cloth Destination Boards, BEST Now Switches To Dust-Written Displays

The Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport (BEST) undertaking, which has pioneered the use of rolling cloth displays for its destination boards on buses for decades since inception, has finally found a solution to a problem that has plagued it for the last decade. Thanks to the Jawaharlal Nehru National Urban Renewal Mission (JnNURM; whose logo is a jurm for being ugly), most buses got themselves route indicator boards that were LED (light emitting diode) displays.

In the first five years since LED route indicators were introduced (2007 onwards), they stopped working. While BEST did try to fix them and look for alternatives including using a chalk board, the culprit was soon identified. The displayed began malfunctioning when buses were washed. Rumour has it that BEST contacted its southern counterpart, the Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation (BMTC) in 2013, asking them how LED display units were functional after washing the bus. They allegedly received a very simple response: “What does washing a bus mean?“.

Keeping all this in mind, BEST has now decided to go a step forward and get a new technology using one of the most abundant elements available – dust. Yes, that’s right, BEST is now using Dust-Written displays now. Below is an image of one such display on Route 200 from Shrawan Yeshwante Chowk (Kala Chowky) to Versova Yari Road Bus Station.

After pioneering Rolling Cloth displays for decades, BEST buses are sporting a new technology: Dust Writing Displays.
After pioneering Rolling Cloth displays for decades, BEST buses are sporting a new technology: Dust Writing Displays.

We got in touch with freelance dust expert and garbologist Rajgira Khamandhokle to learn more. Readers may be reminded that Rajgira Khamandhokle is a frequent traveler on buses, having not once, but twice learnt a valuable lesson from a conductor. (You can read here and here)

We learnt that a dust-written display is extremely power efficient and eco-friendly. When we asked what would happen if the writing gets washed away in the rains, we were told that the amount of dust being kicked up on Mumbai’s roads would easily settle on the glass panel, making for an easy re-drawing.

The Municipal Corporation of Greater Mumbai (MCGM) through BEST is sensitising the need of washing hands and that fans of the MCGM are seeing this as an eye opener campaign to bring down Covid19 (Wuhan Virus) cases in the city. An MCGM spokesperson who wanted to remain anonymous said that anyone who writes the destination on a bus would be given free sanitizer. Though he wanted to remain anonymous and that we over here don’t care about such a concept, we would like to informe that he doesn’t work at the Ghatkopar Depot and his name is not Mahesh Sakhalkar.

On noticing Tanu loves Manu written on one of the buses, Tinder was trying to capitalise on the new system and save the sinking Titanic.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Featured image: A cloth display on Bus 342 from Goregaon Station (East) to Kokan Vikas Mandal via New Zealand Hospital by Bhavik Vasa (via Twitter)

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Forget Buses And Metro, The Fish Have Arrived At Mumbai’s New Aquarium

Exactly two months ago, a Cyclone (or was it?) called Nisarga allegedly swept across the Mumbai Metropolitan Region. The Chief Minister’s new aquarium project saw a massive push with water all over the streets. While we had back then reported that the fish would eventually arrive, it has finally arrived after a spell of rains in the last 24 hours.

Now, we have learned that the fish have arrived at Parel station where they were swimming over the railway tracks. It seems these fish are also transit fans.

Here is a video of the fish swimming!

This is probably the fastest that any project of such magnitude has ever come up in India. Former Chief Minister Devendra Fadnavis’ metro works were slower than this and credit must be given to the BEST CM ever.

Also Read: Cyclone Nisarga What? Here Are Visuals From Mumbai’s Brand New World-Class Aquarium

Also Read: Satire: BEST To Capitalise On CM’s New-Found Fame, Will Feature His Face On All New Buses

Featured image: Aquarium by macrovector from Freepik. You can view the original here.

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Or, as Karthik puts it, PS: Satire alert⚠️🚨. Not to be taken seriously unless you are a BMC official.😅😅

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Cyclone Nisarga What? Here Are Visuals From Mumbai’s Brand New World-Class Aquarium

In December last year when Maharashtra saw a political coup, resulting in a mix-and-match coalition government coming to power, the newly throned chief minister announced plans to build a grand, “world-class” multi-level aquarium. Just over six months later with Cyclone Nisarga having crossed the city, here are some stunning visuals of the new aquarium.

Without wasting time, the government run by the Best CM (not BEST CM) has gone ahead and quietly implemented the aquarium at King’s Circle near Matunga. Below are some pictures from news agencies Asian News International (ANI) and Free Press Journal (FPJ). You can click on the indiviudal images to see more.

As pointed out on Twitter by Karthik, the Brihanmumbai Municipal Corporation (BMC) has managed to build the aquarium on the first day of rains!

While the fish are not immediately visible due to vehicles, they will slowly find their way, along with other creatures including worms, snakes, prawns and shrimp (after being washed from markets). The largest creature currently in these waters is BEST’s Aqua Faeries; as seen in the above pictures (not to be confused with the earlier Purple Faeries).

Apart from this, the government has also implemented a new waterfall system in the city, although it is linked with the sewerage system. You can catch it in action here:

Ever since the 2005 floods, political parties in Maharashtra have promised to turn the city into Singapore or Shanghai. Sadly, this year, due to the Covid-19 outbreak, Mumbai became Wuhan while Maharashtra became Hubei. However, on a regular basis, the city turns into Venice every year during the monsoons.

Mumbaikars have got their aquarium. Now, let’s wait for the metro.

Also Read: Satire: BEST To Capitalise On CM’s New-Found Fame, Will Feature His Face On All New Buses

Also Read: Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

Note: The above article is meant to be humourous. Please don’t register a police complain or send goondas to the writer’s residence.

Or, as Karthik puts it, PS: Satire alert⚠️🚨. Not to be taken seriously unless you are a BMC official.😅😅

Featured Image: Fishtank by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay.

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Satire: In Absence Of Depot, Metro 3 To Run BEST Buses In Tunnel

In a stunning revelation, it has been revealed that the current Maharashtra government may consider running buses in the tunnels of Mumbai Metro’s famed Line 3 project.

Without the controversial SEEPZ depot, the metro cannot be operational since it won’t have a place to park trains and carry out their maintenance. In order to sort this mess out, the government has decided that they will run BEST buses in the pair of 33.5km long tunnels.

Confirming the developments, an official on the condition of anonymity said that BEST had already been running buses in tunnels for almost a decade and this would be nothing new. “We’ve run buses on the Eastern Freeway, they’ve taken the flyover and the tunnels, what is new?”, he said.

He added that while initial proposals involve letting buses drive into the tunnels at the Sariput Nagar ramp in Jogeshwari, there are plans to set up additional ones at Bandra-Kurla Complex and the Airport as well. The government may also set up a crane to lower the bus into the tunnel so buses need not run only in them, he added. The plan is apparently to run the mini-bus fleet in the tunnel, from what we gathered.

When asked, where the idea came from, he directed the questions to another officer, who on the condition of anonymity as well, gave us an answer. “With everything operating at half capacity right now, some of us looked for other ways to spend our time. I opened Google Earth to see the Attari-Wagah border and then continued on that road to Lahore where I saw a BRTS on a flyover. We then went for lunch, and when I came back, one of my colleagues showed me Elon Musk’s Boring Company”, he said.

You see, Lahore BRTS has a long elevated stretch. If they run a bus on that, why can’t we run a bus in our metro tunnels? We’ve run buses inside the tunnel on the Eastern Freeway?

The officer

When asked about the inspiration from Elon Musk, he said that Musk’s plan was the first to have tunnels under a city and run regular vehicles in them. When pointed out that Musk had a change of heart in 2018 and decided to allow public transport through the system, he responded with “That’s why we’re planning on running buses in them”.

When asked about what would happen about the 31 trains ordered from Alstom, we were told “Jab aaega, tab dekha jaega” (We’ll see about it when they arrive). A third official even dropped a comment that they may be sold to the Mumbai Suburban Rail. We don’t know if he realises that they run on different track gauges.

Whatever, happens, let us hope that Mumbai finally gets the public transport it deserves.

Note: To know how a crane would be used to lift a bus in and out, see this video on how a crane is being used to lift a tractor off the metro viaduct.

Please note: This article is satire and should be treated as such.

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If you intend to step out, whether to board on minibus or metro, please wear a mask, carry sanitizer and maintain social distancing.

Also Read:

Stuck In Traffic? Here’s Elon Musk’s Boring Way To Move Vehicles

What The Boring Company Now Has In Store For Mass Transit

Featured image: Sitting in a BEST A-8 Express (yes, Purple Faeries) through the BARC tunnels on the Eastern Freeway.

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Satire: BEST To Capitalise On CM’s New-Found Fame, Will Feature His Face On All New Buses

As the Covid-19 pandemic keeps Mumbaikars in a Lockdown, the Brihanmumbai Electricity Supply and Transport Undertaking (BEST) has decided that it will work on a new public relations campaign to improve its services.

Capitalising on CM Udhhav Thackeray’s newfound popularity as the ‘BEST CM’, the undertaking has decided to use his photographs on all its buses henceforth.

Uddhav Thackeray’s handling of the pandemic in Maharashtra has earned him praise from Bollywood (who generally know nothing), parts of the media (who also generally know nothing) and his own allies (who know everything). The only person so far unhappy over the Shiv Sena leader’s handling of the crises is former chief minister Devendra Fadnavis who has criticised his successor over the fact that Maharashtra is almost turning into a Hubei and Mumbai turning into Wuhan.

A search on Twitter for the hashtag #BestCMoftheWorld points directly to Uddhav Thackeray’s profile. While fans of other politicians including Tamil Nadu CM Edappadi K. Palaniswami (EPS), Telangana CM K Chandrasekhar Rao (KCR) and Delhi Lord Mayor Chief Minister Arvind Kejriwal have used the hashtag to promote their leaders, none of them have stood out like the Sena leader.

The BEST undertaking has decided to capitalise on the CM’s new found fame, and will ensure that his face will be visible on all buses, reminding commuters of the same. “If Congress could claim India was Indira and Indira was India, why can’t we claim Uddhav is BEST and BEST is Uddhav?”, asked a Sena member when we approached them.

BEST had started using Thackeray’s images on their buses to promote the Pradhan Manti Awas Yojana in February, a move that irked the Bharatiya Janata Party over the omission of Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s photograph.

Please note: This article is satire and should be treated as such.

Featured image: Uddhav Thackeray’s iamge on a BEST Bus registered to the Vikhroli Depot (Ram Kadam/Twitter)

This post is dedicated to Ashwin S Kumar of TheUnrealTimes.

If you like this post, do consider supporting me on Patreon.

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[Satire] BEST Buses To Stop At Bus Stops For Two Minutes

BEST today announced that henceforth all buses would stop at bus stops for atleast two minutes irrespective of whether passengers boarded or disembarked.
This announcement came following the speech by former Prime Minister Dr. Manmohan Singh in the Rajya Sabha where he quoted British economist John Maynard Keynes and said “In the long run we are all dead” yesterday.

A boy running to catch a bus (Representative).
A boy running to catch a bus (Representative). Image copyright Fengalon. Image in Public Domain.

When contacted, BEST chairman Mohan Ramchandra Mithbaokar was unavailable to comment. We were told by his assistant that the new move was to give commuters ample time to reach the bus stop. “If people run to catch a bus, it could be dangerous, they might die,” we were told. “Hence, the order was issued that all buses would stop for a few minutes to allow those running to slow down and walk to the bus. We are also planning to insure people who buy tickets in case the long run kills them,” he added.

Meanwhile, when contacted, NMMT chairman Saboo Daniel was visibly angry. “BEST thinks they can outdo us? No way! We will beat them to this. We will show that we care more for the passenger than they do. We will prevent their buses from stopping in Navi Mumbai just like we prevented their buses from entering our depots. Why, we’ll even stop our buses everywhere so that people do not have to run or walk at all! That way, nobody will die in the long run!”, he fumed. When asked if NMMT had any insurance plans like BEST, he said, “It is only needed if people run right?”

We just hope that whenever these happen, nobody will die in the long run.

BEST to take additional measures to prevent people from dying in the long run! Share on X

Note: All content in this article is fictitious, and must not be taken seriously. This article is satire, and should ideally be treated as such.

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[Satire] Apple Reveals Why The iPhone 7 Has No Headphone Jack

Cupertino: A day after Apple announced the new iPhone 7, iPhone 7 Plus and Apple Watch 2, Apple has announced a new feature in the iPhone 7 that is bound to excite users, mainly in what is seen as an attempt to explain why the new phones do not have a 3.5mm headphone jack.

Independent and out of work reporter Aapil Saathukudinathan managed to sneak in through the air ducts of Apple’s head office at 1, Infinity Loop and hold a developer hostage with smelly socks till he divulged details of Apple’s top secret plans.

What he reveals, of course, is quite amazing. Aapil writes:

Apple is working on revolutionising the Transportation sector. They’re planning to take on Uber, Tesla, General Motors head on.

For the past six years, Apple has had a new Underground Research and Development centre, located under ground somewhere in the Rocky Mountains. They’ve been trying to build a prototype of a personal transit vehicle, intriguingly called the iCar. The prototype did revolutionise transit by providing an electric car with completely closed windows and air-conditioning all at all times, but failed because charging it with the Apple Lightning Connector wasn’t such a great idea. A proposal to produce a prototype iBike was trashed because bikes were apparently too mainstream for Apple. A similar iBus prototype model was built, but it had the same problem as the others. After an intervention from the Government of the US, Apple worked on a prototype at Area 51 for an iPlane based iSpaceship. However, all of these were scrapped because of the Lightning Charger.

Now, coming back to the iPhone 7. While most people think that removing the 3.5mm headphone jack was foolish, Apple has indeed, had other plans for it. The removal of the jack was to position a new microchip, which Apple calls iTransit.

This iTransit chip, is also the reason behind Apple’s new AirPods. These new devices, which have a built in accelerometers and optical sensors, also feature a Revolutionary Thrust Engine within them.

Apple Airpods
Apple AirPods. Image credits NBC News

This new Thrust Engine, thankfully not called iThrust, will literally lift the user into the sky and fly them to their destination. The device shape will ensure that they don’t fall out of the user’s ears. The iTransit app, will track users realtime, and automatically make adjustments to prevent traffic jams and collisions mid-air.

To travel, all one needs to do is wear the new AirPods, open the iTransit app [still in development], and enter the destination. The AirPods, once they use the advanced technology to ensure that they are properly placed in the ear, will automatically power itself up and take the user to their destination. During flight, a user can use the AirPods as headphones as well and continue listening to their beats. iTransit can also be controlled using Siri.

However, iTransit will be a paid service. While the App itself will cost $1.99 to purchase from the iTunes App Store, Apple will also charge users for using the service. Users can either pay for an unlimited plan, or a pay-as-you-use plan on a distance wise-basis. A free plan will also be introduced, wherein ads will be played during transit.

Apple intends to market this to China where 100km long traffic jams have been experienced and India, because everybody from Bangalore is complaining about Central Silk Board.

Once Aapil Saathukudinathan, managed to sneak his way out, for the Apple employee had passed out due to the smelly socks, he made his way to the Googleplex at 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway in Mountain View and later on to Redmond to the Microsoft head office. Alphabet immediately announced plans to put the Google Driverless Car on standby and start work on a new and updated version of Google Glasses called Google Fly which would allow people to fly, while Microsoft decided, they’d provide the software to Google for the new product.

Aapil Saathukudinathan is now back in India, after having fooled the US and Indian authorities by flying without a valid visa.

Note: All content in this article is fictitious, and must not be taken seriously. This article is satire, and should ideally be treated as such.

 This post is dedicated to my Gurus, Ashwin S Kumar of The Unreal Times and Rahul Roushan of Faking News.
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